Monday, February 28, 2005
10 highlights from my life
In keeping with the spirit of the ‘10 interesting things’ meme currently going around, here’s my list. These aren’t things I’ve done, since there’s barely any worth mentioning, but simply significant points in my life.
1. At age 8, learnt a new word in English class: ‘vow’. The chapter was on Sarojini Naidu taking a vow in the years leading to India’s independence. Fascinated, decided to test drive one. Vowed against cruelty to animals, where the definition of ‘animal’ extended to anything living and not a plant. Spent several years rescuing ants from the toilet bowl before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. Have never squashed a cockroach.
2. Also at age 8, contemplated suicide. Didn’t have the gall to pull it off. Decided instead to live to 90+. I suspect there were a few years between these two, but memory fails.
3. Somewhere in the middle of a lonely childhood, one Diwali, on the terrace, some kids remarked that it would be funny if a sparkler fell on the kid below, and I promptly threw mine. I missed, but the horror lasted years and imprinted a permanent fear of losing emotional control. It’s one of the reasons I stay off alcohol.
1. At age 8, learnt a new word in English class: ‘vow’. The chapter was on Sarojini Naidu taking a vow in the years leading to India’s independence. Fascinated, decided to test drive one. Vowed against cruelty to animals, where the definition of ‘animal’ extended to anything living and not a plant. Spent several years rescuing ants from the toilet bowl before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. Have never squashed a cockroach.
2. Also at age 8, contemplated suicide. Didn’t have the gall to pull it off. Decided instead to live to 90+. I suspect there were a few years between these two, but memory fails.
3. Somewhere in the middle of a lonely childhood, one Diwali, on the terrace, some kids remarked that it would be funny if a sparkler fell on the kid below, and I promptly threw mine. I missed, but the horror lasted years and imprinted a permanent fear of losing emotional control. It’s one of the reasons I stay off alcohol.
4. In the same period, was struck by the most brilliant insight ever. If I never lied, there could be no guilt when accused of it. Spent several years getting accustomed to the sting of full disclosure before realising that perfect compliance was impossible. “How are you feeling?” “I’m fine.” There. And what if your silence creates a false impression? Is that then a wordless lie? Being truthful requires being proactive, not reactive. I’m not there yet. I’m not sure I’ll ever be there.
5. At age 12, let computers fill the void of a peer group. At 14, tired of programming in BASIC, decided I was going to work on the metal. Took to writing 8086 assembler code, soon upgraded to the 32-bit world. Learnt enough about processors and operating systems to be able to advise my brother on his embedded system projects a full decade later. In 1996, discovered the world beyond the telephone line. Got nearly thrown out of home for a Rs. 500 phone bill. Spent two years on borrowed modems before getting my own.
6. Took four years to pass out of second year of pre-university (aka 12th). Wrote the chemistry exam five times, sequencing fail, pass, fail, fail, pass. Yes, I withdrew my results that second time. Dad’s done a Ph.D. in chemistry. It wasn’t exactly a shining moment in parenthood.
7. Was 18 when I finally figured out how babies are made. They had taught us all about how sperm fertilises egg in school, but the mysterious part was how sperm got in the neighbourhood of an egg in the first place. Sex was something that only happened on Star Movies. Figured Indians didn’t care for it, and I must be a freak to have a sex drive at all. Didn’t have any friends to discuss it with. Took an awful lot of thinking to figure it out, and then the world collapsed. Horror at discovering that that very vile, disgusting, taboo act was responsible for my existence, and then outrage at society for keeping me out of such an important secret.
8. Left home at 19 with Rs. 2000 from mom. I wish I could say I’ve never borrowed from parents again, but they cover my food and accommodation when I’m in Bangalore. Learnt that working in publishing was an easy way to spread a name, sometimes to interesting effect. At 20, at the height of the dotcom boom, found myself in charge of technology for my company’s new media ventures, involving million dollar deals with top media organisations, until a suitable CTO could be found, which never happened. Quit a little under a year later, burnt out, promising never to sell my life to an employer again, and made one last stab at passing pre-university. My colleague Ronnie took charge and continues to lead the team. I haven’t since reported to a person who could complete my work in my absence.
9. In 1999, paid Rs. 300-odd for an autorickshaw ride from Kurla Terminus to Kurla Station (Bombay), a distance of under a kilometre, because I had heavy luggage, and the rickshaw driver said the route was blocked and the only other way was very long. Knew I was getting ripped off, but couldn’t stand up for myself. Swore to not let it happen again, but the stakes get bigger each time.
10. Fell in love with a girl I didn’t want to be in love with. Couldn’t understand why I was thinking of her all the time. Didn’t know anyone but her to turn to for help. Bad idea. A year of terrible pain followed. Suspect it hurt her as much as me, possibly more. I counted the days until I spent one without thinking of her. The mention of her name still jolts. R, if you are reading this, would you like to comment?
10b. Fell in love with a girl I had never met. Travelled halfway across the country hoping to meet her. Didn’t. Took a year to track him down.
10c. Fell in love with a girl I had known most of my life. Thought she was Miss Perfect, but there was too much of an age difference. It couldn’t have worked. Still think of her at times.
10d. Didn’t fall in love with the girl who rescued me. Didn’t want to be associated with her. Couldn’t run. She permeated my life, brought in clarity like a hot cup of coffee on a fogged morning. It took a year’s absence to make me realise how much I missed her. To make me want her again. To be together again.
And that’s my list. Much thanks to
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fus and urmila for helping recover some of these from a past I had chosen to forget. You two are the closest friends I’ve ever had.
azooey — Feb 28, 2005 10:42:35 PM — # ↩
ma7ur — Feb 28, 2005 11:07:58 PM — # ↩
kingsly — Feb 28, 2005 11:17:04 PM — # ↩
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Feb 28, 2005 11:49:28 PM — # ↩
All said and done, he was nice to me when he could have chosen not to be, so I’ve left him alone since.
beatzo — Mar 1, 2005 11:05:34 AM — # ↩
aivalli — Feb 28, 2005 11:36:01 PM — # ↩
Your post educates me as I consider you one of my idols !
Wish you luck in what ever you are doing dude !
Looking forward to your mentorship,
-nerdy
2fargon — Feb 28, 2005 11:41:01 PM — # ↩
I have often wondered why I remember seemingly inconsequential events from my childhood, and how I distinctly remember so firsts, like you.
I remember the day I learned it was "Enid" and not "Gnid" Blyton, as also the day when I learned "Mystery" was "mistry" not "mice-tree".
Thanks for writing this up, in such a beautiful way :)
chirayuk — Mar 1, 2005 11:19:15 PM — # ↩
Ah - thats a mistake I used to make as a kid. It was my younger sister who pointed out to me that it was Enid and not Gnid.
Sadly - most of my friends here (Oregon & Seattle) have never read Enid Blyton. I thought those were some pretty amazing books. I loved them. The enchanted forest, the faraway tree (moonface, silky, dame washalot, saucepanman, ...) , the book about the flying chair, ...
swaroopch — Feb 28, 2005 11:45:33 PM — # ↩
I seem to have this mental image of you now that you live life fiercely and independently.
10 makes me wonder whether you finally found happiness/love with someone?
- Swaroop
www.swaroopch.info
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Feb 28, 2005 11:51:48 PM — # ↩
It took two days to convince myself I wanted to post this, and publicly. I couldn't have made this a protected post. That would be cowardly.
I like to believe that too.
Yes, we have.
yawhatever — Mar 1, 2005 12:27:36 AM — # ↩
brainz — Mar 1, 2005 12:35:26 AM — # ↩
Somethings goes into memories as soon as you read them. :/
irq2 — Mar 1, 2005 12:30:42 AM — # ↩
vaishaksuresh — Mar 1, 2005 12:35:30 AM — # ↩
I can practically idolise you. Nice post.
mind if i add it to memories?
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 12:45:13 PM — # ↩
Go ahead. The web is designed to not require permission to make a bookmark, and we're all better off learning to live with the nature of the medium than struggling to subvert it.
vinodkumarvc — Mar 1, 2005 1:23:13 AM — # ↩
teemus — Mar 1, 2005 2:04:35 AM — # ↩
It's about having a clear conscience.
manubhardwaj — Mar 1, 2005 2:31:43 AM — # ↩
a. My parents will see it
b. I am not brave enough to make my thoughts public
c. I would have serious doubts about whether I actually believe what I'm writing, or whether I'm, through some sense of delusion, writing what I think I believe. Go figure.
The biggest reason is (a) mostly.
fus — Mar 1, 2005 2:34:33 AM — # ↩
*i make no claims to bohemianism being a correct word
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 8:43:19 AM — # ↩
It was a challenge to myself. How long could I keep apologising for the loser I thought I was? How long could I refuse to reveal what I thought?
Think of it as an exercise in telling oneself that you're all right, you're a perfectly normal human like everyone else is, you're just different in your own way, and you might as well be proud of your differences.
vinodkumarvc — Mar 1, 2005 4:12:39 AM — # ↩
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 10:49:51 AM — # ↩
teemus — Mar 1, 2005 1:55:02 AM — # ↩
mannu — Mar 1, 2005 2:56:54 AM — # ↩
Man! Have you just revealed the biggest secret of your success!!!
They had taught us all about how sperm fertilises egg in school, but the mysterious part was how sperm got in the neighbourhood of an egg in the first place.
I swear my situation was somewhat the opposite. :))
shortindiangirl — Mar 1, 2005 3:55:12 AM — # ↩
My wow also was at 7.
18 - Wow. I'd have never guessed that a boy of 18 wouldn't have figured it out by pure internal biological processes.
So if I understand correctly, 10b. was a man pretending to be a girl for you ? To fool you, or because he was a gay admirer ?
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 8:38:54 AM — # ↩
I guessed it much earlier. It was the lack of confirmation that made it so long. AFAIK, 10b was not gay. It was a practical joke that he couldn't get himself out of.
dawninheaven — Mar 1, 2005 3:11:23 AM — # ↩
chirayuk — Mar 1, 2005 5:18:58 AM — # ↩
Jace,
Its been a long time. Made me think of all the "significant" moments in my own life (lots of reasons why I was going through them myself). Good to know that in the end you found your love.
Chirayu.
arucard2 — Mar 1, 2005 6:15:43 AM — # ↩
coreid — Mar 1, 2005 8:05:25 AM — # ↩
This is the best thing you have written according to me,
Being truthful requires being proactive, not reactive.
wishing you and your loved ones all the best!
vaibhav — Mar 1, 2005 9:38:22 AM — # ↩
Cheers to you. Take Care.
uniquemary — Mar 1, 2005 10:42:27 AM — # ↩
It was a great read ..
I must admit it takes real guts to be so frank !
"Also at age 8, contemplated suicide." Good Heavens !!!! Why ???
I mean I too had similar thoughts at maybe 10 or 11 (because of a pathetic score in Maths) but 8 ??????
All in all I hope you are happy and contented with life now :-)
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 10:48:07 AM — # ↩
Because I hated life? Anyway, it's long past now.
psychicsizzler — Mar 1, 2005 11:39:25 AM — # ↩
u contemplated, i committed at 11. mom still celebrates my second life :)
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 2:30:57 PM — # ↩
You mean you attempted. ;-) What drove you to it?
psychicsizzler — Mar 2, 2005 3:28:52 PM — # ↩
attempted??? i was in coma for 10 days with some dozen bottles of glucose saving my soul.the doc's had given up hope.remember hitting on several packets of kumkum and prasaadam coming all the way from tirupathi,soon after my discharge.
...what drove me..just the way i looked at life that time.call it depression,lack of confidence,lonely phases with some more added adjectives.
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 2, 2005 3:45:16 PM — # ↩
I never got quite as far. I could think of only two ways to do it:
1. Jump out of the window. But all of our third floor windows were grilled tight, and despite much as I hoped, none of them ever fell off.
2. Poke myself in the stomach with the kitchen knife like they did in the movies (somehow the villain always stabs the hero in the stomach and nowhere else). But the flimsy serrated fruit cutting knife looked like it would cause more pain than damage.
I never tried anything.
psychicsizzler — Mar 4, 2005 1:31:44 PM — # ↩
glad you never went that far. all i know is i'll never do that again :)
teemus — Mar 1, 2005 8:53:49 PM — # ↩
I contemplated at 22, twice in six months. Didn't have the balls to do it.
joge — Mar 1, 2005 10:51:31 AM — # ↩
madhav — Mar 1, 2005 11:04:20 AM — # ↩
Anonymous — Mar 1, 2005 11:27:55 AM — # ↩
I hope you don't own a gun!
Interesting post! but, the revelation
is out of stress or an attempt to
bring out the deamons from dark chambers
to soothe your soul ?
Either case, you need to talk to a shrink
about this more than lj audience.
Live long and Prosper.
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 12:49:00 PM — # ↩
Why should I go to a shrink to celebrate my life? I'm happy with the way it is, the way it's been.
mona1610 — Mar 1, 2005 12:22:23 PM — # ↩
I was expecting your camera-art to be listed as a highlight too, afterall i've always liked your pictures n looked fwd to em... but then, that's me! :)
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 12:39:01 PM — # ↩
I was trying to not make this a brag post. Didn't want to include point 8 (about leading the team at 20 despite being unqualified), but left it in because it did affect my life significantly.
Besides, my photography has deteriorated significantly in the last few months.
mona1610 — Mar 1, 2005 12:59:47 PM — # ↩
:))
i think sometimes you guys need to think of Photography as any other art! We call it the "Writer's Block" amongst us. :)
Relax. Revive.
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 5:08:50 PM — # ↩
I don't understand art. Really. Everything I've seen labelled as art almost always comes off as pretentious snobbery. I attended a talk by Adolfas Mekas last weekend and he was criticising people who call their work art, and I was thinking "hurrah! someone else expressing the same incomprehension as me." And then he showed us a film he made, and it made little sense. Apparently it was full of cultural references to other movies, so the message seems to be, "you can understand art only if you understand art." And I don't understand it.
moccacino — Mar 1, 2005 1:05:16 PM — # ↩
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 1, 2005 2:32:11 PM — # ↩
moccacino — Mar 1, 2005 4:25:42 PM — # ↩
themadman — Mar 3, 2005 2:43:52 PM — # ↩
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 3, 2005 2:49:39 PM — # ↩
bluesmoon — Mar 1, 2005 2:38:00 PM — # ↩
moccacino — Mar 1, 2005 4:28:10 PM — # ↩
deepsan — Mar 1, 2005 7:02:18 PM — # ↩
manish — Mar 1, 2005 10:57:10 PM — # ↩
pavismaya — Mar 2, 2005 12:36:41 AM — # ↩
Kiran,
Well whenever I get to list my 10 things, one would certainly be the time when "You" made a robot for the science exhibition in planetorium and "I" falsely (ladies and gentlemen its true) boasted of doing it "together" with U, and then to add namak to the wound, I was pictured with the robot in the kannadaprabha news clip and only ur hand was seen, I still remember the reaction we got for that in school ,cause it put me on a higher pedestal in school (only to fall off later...which i still regret). Also as a corrolary I still remember we walked on the stage to recieve the bilogy prize though we belonged to physics group (thinking we got the prize) that was the greatest..greatest ever embarassment to me.
Well that was me !..
Well i dont need to reiterate that when ur blog has soo much popularity, u make a daring statement like this, but to me it looked like u were clarifying or revising or reiterating some thoughts to someone ....there was a cryptic message in it to someone ? which I guess we will never know.
But nonethe less it was "moving" in parts, well it atleast got me going to write such a long reply ....so cheers.
and...i would like to know more about R and the present one...(well since u have already told most of it....why hide it...hehe)
if u are still there
Regards
ashwinne — Mar 2, 2005 12:43:55 AM — # ↩
Thanks for sharing :)
joshmachine — Mar 2, 2005 2:13:14 AM — # ↩
nome — Mar 2, 2005 8:52:12 PM — # ↩
I did know some or more of your 10 points, mostly told direclty by you. point 10 I knew much later than when I was in bangalore. I also could figure out from the wirintngs in your bloig that you were in love last november.
But the only thing I dont know here is point 10c.
I am not too qualified to make a guess but if you feel like, send me an ofline mail or IM, would like to talk to you.
nome
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 2, 2005 8:59:26 PM — # ↩
Sorry, but 10c is not open to discussion. It was years ago, IAC, and we still talk regularly.
nome — Mar 2, 2005 9:02:17 PM — # ↩
Cool. No probs.
long time before we met ?
nome
Anonymous — Mar 3, 2005 11:20:37 PM — # ↩
I think i know 10c, and i wont talk about it. I also think i know you pretty well though we barely talk things out. Silence speaks... Someday i will be hoping there is a biography of you to inspire other people! You inspire me.
Anonymous — Mar 4, 2005 3:04:08 PM — # ↩
Awesome read. I agree too.
'Vow', An expression my boss is addicted to .. If I tell him the project is running late - VOW!
Take care JAce... keep the good writing coming.
-ren
subtle_blues — Mar 4, 2005 11:46:08 PM — # ↩
That was a beautiful piece of writing or retrospection.. what ever u'd like to call it. Should say my bad times seem really insignificant in front of yours... was wondering how to comment.. i'm not as articulate as you are. Here's what came to my head.. it's a song i learnt in school.. it's pretty famous actually.. hope u can connect to it..
If you miss the train I'm on, you will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles,
a hundred miles, a hundred miles, a hundred miles, a hundred miles,
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles.
Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two, Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four,
Lord I'm 500 miles from my home.
Not a shirt on my back, not a penny to my name
Lord I can't go a-home this a-way
This a-away, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way,
Lord I can't go a-home this a-way.
If you miss the train I'm on you will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles.
i have no clue why this song.. it just hit me then!
good luck with everything!!
p.s. what devil came on you to put up such a post?!!
Kiran Jonnalagadda — Mar 5, 2005 7:54:15 PM — # ↩
As for why I made this post: I read this one by a friend and breathed hard, and wowed, and wondered what I had done fitting to be in such a list. And my list turned out looking very different, and it scared me, and that scare turned into a challenge.
Something like that.
atbash — Mar 5, 2005 3:05:37 PM — # ↩
Anonymous — Mar 6, 2005 6:56:44 PM — # ↩
...that post is. Loved reading every bit of it. And loads of courage you have.
- Nilesh.
trycatchdenz — Mar 7, 2005 1:09:27 AM — # ↩
Cheerz,
Denz
shradha — Mar 13, 2005 12:23:08 PM — # ↩
u r gifted with strength and conviction that not many are fortunate to have.